29 May 2007

So what if my head is too big right now?

I've been getting quite a few messages from people on Friendster lately. Some messages express interest to be friends. Many tell me that I look cute,sweet even beautiful! My initial reaction? What the ??$%^? When did pigs start flying? Is the moon blue everyday now?

When I was young, I always felt inadequate as far as looks was concerned. My younger sister was always the center of attention. I was the darker, chubbier one among my cousins. No one really took much notice of me. As a teenager, I was the nervous, shy girl who used to have one sided crushes on boys. I used to detest looking at myself in the mirror. Self-confidence was constantly on low, fueled by my ordinary looks and mother's constant critism.

Things started changing about 2 years ago. I no longer felt the constant pain in my heart. I didn't look too bad in the mirror. I felt happier than I've ever been. And now, I feel completely comfortable with my own skin. I don't need any makeup to feel beautiful. I just need to look in the mirror. I like what I see, I really do. Like the duckling that wasn't all that cute, I think I have too, become a swan of sorts (granted still in need of improvements, but I've got the rest of my life for that.)

So while I'm here basking in the ray of compliments, I remember where I was once and what I've been through to be here today.

So if you think my head is kinda big right now, please excuese me! It will be back to normal in a while. Hopefully :P

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26 May 2007

Ode to my denim jacket

DJ and I during happier times.

*Taken from a previous post written in 2005*

Dearest DJ,

I went to St. Kilda yesterday on my own, by tram. It was a sunny day, but a little cold, the wind was the penetrating kind. I hugged myself to make me warm. I missed u very much then. U gave me warmth and so much more! U made me look good and u made me feel confident to face the world every time I wore u. I wish I could turn back the time and not left u where ever I left u. It was strange. One minute I felt u with me and the next u were gone.

I was looking for a substitute for u in the city (not a nice thing to do, but one has to keep warm this windy season!) but all I could find was boring ol’ denim jackets who was so much more expensive then u. I hope that one day soon I shall find a replacement that would do you justice. Until then I shall roam the streets of Melbourne, cold and thinking of u. If u are reading this, just know that u were my favourite denim jacket and I will always think of u fondly.

How am I u ask? I am good. Some days are better than the rest, but I get by. I am still not into dating though. I am trying to have a better relationship with myself. I am trying to understand me more. It is a slow process, but I am getting better. Slow and steady wins the race yeah? I think I will give the book I borrowed from the library tomorrow. It is called – Sex & The City – how to meet your Mr. Big. I started reading the book, but then realized that I wasn’t interested in it. I don’t want to meet my Mr. Big right now. I am happy just being here, with me, sometimes good, sometimes not-so-good, but every day understanding me better.

So u take care dear DJ and where ever u are, I hope ur adventures take u to greener pastures and fun.

Luv always,
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21 May 2007

All out!

I haven't given it much thought until recently. Have I really tried to be what I want to be - a writer? Granted I've applied for creative jobs, but with each rejection, I change my course, look for something else and invariably end up with a job that's not that bad, but not something I want. I've always been the type that believe it's alrite, I will get something better. But have I truly tried? Do I dare say that I've given my best shot, done all that I can, exhausted avenues and connections? No. I can't say that. So when I sit down with my friends, catching up on who's doing what and where and feel like the least successful person at the table, who else is there to blame but myself?

Yeah, I do crib from time to time about the lack of love in my life. While I can't do anything about that,I can do something about this. I can't change the past, but I can sure change the future. So I have promised myself that I will go all out, reach outside my box and do all that I can do to achieve this dream of mine. I will be bold and be strong, talk to people and listen to people. By hook or by crook, I will get there, or at least die trying.

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13 May 2007

Rambling on....

So the alchohol has warn off and in the place of the happy buzz, is once again nothingness. Sometimes I wonder if there is any point of having a moment, only for a moment. Is there? Cos' when it all ends, things are back to square one. Ur back again on your own, facing the same ol problems,the same ol issues. The same ol life.I asked God if there is a lesson for me. He said yes, sometimes you need moments like that to remind u that, life is made out of many moments. It can't all be big, bold or significant. Some moments are soft and quiet. Some moments leave questions unanswered, doubts unconfirmed. But u need these moments to appreciate the big, bold, significant moments that are coming around the bend. At least, that's what I think He said. I sometimes have trouble deciphering His words, caught up with my own daily routine. But if could somehow manage to squeeze in a few more of those special moments God, that would be excellent. :)

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12 May 2007

2am ramblings

Sometimes things get interesting. Life gets interesting. Suddenly u realise u are high on long island tea and beer and something that taste like bombay saphire plus God knows what, and things are happening. Sure he was off his face. It's true that he was 98.9 percent drunk and did not know what he was talking about. Neither did u. But it happens. Chemistry. When u look into each others eyes, eyes speaking a language of their own. They don't care about what's gonna happen, not caring what the future holds. The only thing that is important? That moment in time, that second. The way he held your hands in his. The feeling, so nice, so safe, secure. For a moment everything seems right. Hope is alive.

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8 May 2007

Sky Stories

I've always been a big fan of the sky, particularly in the evenings, just as the sun begins to set. It has always offered me peace and when times are not so good, even hope. I like the way different colours blend into the palette, creating one big, beautiful picture. I took these pictures on my Sony Ericsson while on a jog this evening. Too beautiful!


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6 May 2007

Deja vu!

There's a familiar feeling in the air. Or is it just in my head? Almost every thing annoys me. My aunty, who just made an accusation sooooo off the mark, annoys me. Messages on Friendster with spelling mistakes, yes, they annoy me. The cat,lying lazily underneath the car trying to beat the afternoon heat,annoys me. And don't get me started on guys! Spiderman, with his right hand out to MJ made me cry this afternoon. My mother's critique of my cooking methods creates a sadness within. My eyebrows permanently on spotlight, curved from all this annoyance that surrounds me. I get a sneaking suspicion that I've been through this before. A moment of contemplation confirms my suspicion. Stay calm, stay cool. All will be well.

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4 May 2007

I am still in the Amazing Race!

I found out yesterday that my aunty had a relapse of her condition she had 3 years ago, when she narrowly escaped death. Early yesterday evening she got weak, felt dizzy and fell out of her wheelchair. Yes, she is in a wheelchair. She had knee surgery 3 years ago but somehow it didn't do her any good. Instead she caught an infection that got her into the aforementioned almost fatal condition. So now she is in University Hospital, doctors are trying to figure out what exactly is going on in her body. Scary stuff...

Thinking about the whole thing,her,I am reminded that health, above anything else, is the most important thing we have,I have.Being chubby since I was 3, for the longest time (try 20 years) I thought that I was chubby and I was always going to be chubby. And that's that. My father's lectures on exercising fell on deaf years. U know,the classic case of "masuk telinga kiri, keluar telinga kanan."

It was only at at 23 that I decided to join a gym. That too, not for myself, but to accompany a friend. I was reluctant and shy, but after a few months, I begin to enjoy that routine. Most importantly I felt good about myself. And proud that I was doing something to improve. And while I have most certainly improved, I still have a little way to go.

So with all this happening to my aunty I want to reconfirm to myself that I am still in this Amazing Race and I will only stop when I win it. I know it won't be easy with temptations in the way,but I will not give up on this. I promise to remember this when I am married and a mother. I will not let it go. I will not let things be. I will always do my bit to be as healthy as I can be.

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